You ever think, why me? What on earth did I do to deserve this?
I lived in that emotional, mental and physical place of internal questioning day after day after day.
The questioning turned to rationalizing, turned to bitterness, then anger and grief for years. In my mind, no matter how much I retraced my steps, or retold my story, I couldn’t make sense of why the love I was dishing out to others wasn’t being reciprocated, especially with the people I loved the most.
As far as I could tell, life was being unfair to me. And, the whole “reap what you sow” expression was off, way off!
I was in the midst of preparing for a big move, from my hometown of Boston, MA to Pennsylvania. I didn’t want to move, but I felt compelled to go.
I was heartbroken.
The relationship with my daughter was failing and my relationship with my man was dying.
It was like a perfect storm was destined to turn my entire life upside down.
I was intelligent, personable and ambitious, yet I didn’t know how to connect with my daughter. My love, provision, trips and gifts weren’t enough to reach her.
You ever try to do whatever it takes to love someone?
Back then, it felt like every angle I tried to take to relate with her was coming up short, including counseling.
The perfect storm was crushing my sense of control too.
I couldn’t make my daughter behave, and the relationship I had with my boyfriend of five years was also in need of a revival. I naively thought my decision to move away from him and Boston would help him see the light.
You know, like one of those 90’s R&B songs, “No baby, don’t go. Let’s get married.”
That dream never came to pass.
Instead, he helped me move and get situated in my new home. And, guess what? I let him because I wasn’t ready to be single for real, nor was I emotionally, mentally or spiritually equipped to let him go.
As I think back on it, I wasn’t engaged enough with my value to take a stand and cut him off completely. I was too busy thinking, why me? Why can’t I get these two people that I love so much to act right?
I can laugh about it now. I really thought their compliance would fulfill my life.
I was thinking like a victim, and that’s exactly how I felt. But, the perfect storm, although it was crushing me emotionally, God was using it to awaken me spiritually.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." -Jeremiah 1:5
Today, I’m certain, I had to get away from everything I knew and everyone I loved to encounter God, love myself and discover my divine function (purpose).
In Pennsylvania, I had a new job, new house, company car, and private school for my daughter, and a lot of quiet time. That’s when I started journaling and praying.
I was thirty years old, and I was seeking answers and comfort.
The final straw was when my daughter moved with her dad, to Boston, to finish High School. I was emotionally done.
One day, I entered my beautiful home with no daughter and no man. I couldn’t pretend to be pleased with my life. I’m not built that way. I fell to my knees and asked God to save me from the life I created for myself.
The perfect storm won. It helped me get to the end of myself.
My spirit was so broken. Oh, I could hug my younger self now because I really never thought I’d make it past that time, but I did.
Now, I trust that that perfect storm, the denial of a neat relationship with my daughter and my ex’s decision to not reciprocate the love I was looking for was divinely orchestrated to reach my heart, tare down my idols and bring me to my knees, so I could come to know love on a greater level.
Self-love is beautiful, but it’s work.
This piece of my life’s story happened, just over 15 years ago. I was set up and set apart to get engaged with myself, so I can love my daughter more generously, and love others from a place of fullness, not out of fear that there isn’t enough love for me.
Today, my life is nothing like I thought it would be.
My daughter is still living in Boston and I reside in Philadelphia. I am single and a significant portion of the work I do is coaching and building up single women.
In 2009, I answered the call to attend Palmer Theological Seminary, having graduated with a Master’s of Divinity. In addition, I started an inspirational blog, coaching business via www.tiffytalks.com, and self-published a book, #GetEngaged with Yourself & Win! 12 Keys to Unlocking the Life & Love You Desire.
I now know, the perfect storm wasn’t sent to destroy my life. It was meant to detour my life.
Prior to being detoured, I was engaging what I believed would fulfill my life, a marriage to a handsome man, raising an accomplished daughter, having a career that paid well, all good things, but not best. Post detour, I’m living life inside out. I seek godly wisdom often and I commit my heart and hands to doing purposeful work. My desire to be married is real, but I know what joy is and I have a clear sense of my life’s purpose, treasures that I know are priceless.
Are you dissatisfied with where you are in life? Are you unsure why things aren’t working out as you had planned? Maybe, you’re down on yourself because you’re single, and you thought you’d be married by now?
If any of this speaks to you, I urge you to stop. Get a journal and answer these questions.
What’s my part in where I am today?
What do I desire most and why?
If you’re single, what would it take to treat yourself like the future love of your life?
After you answer these questions, sit with your answers and check to see if your actions are aligning with what you truly desire. If not, you can make the choice to get engaged now.
With Love + Purpose, Tiffany Wilson, M.Div
Tiffany Wilson, a native of Boston, Massachusetts, who resides in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, is an Author, Coach, Speaker, and also the Founder and CEO of TiffyTalks LLC.
In 2007, experiencing life changing losses in her personal life, Tiffany began to question her significance and life’s purpose, which inspired a transformative journey of self-engagement, self-acceptance and self-love.
Tiffany’s own spiritual journey has inspired her to boldly live her life to the fullest. She is a pioneer of self-engagement and promoter of self-love, and is committed to empowering women to be real, heal and love using unique faith-based coaching and teaching methods, such as virtual challenges and group coaching work. She also spreads the #GetEngaged message while speaking at various churches, conferences and events for philanthropic organizations. She has facilitated workshops that build confidence, self-love, and self-mastery.
Women are regaining their confidence, reclaiming their self-worth and relying on their faith to overcome their fears, and align with their heart's desires. For coaching or more information about Tiffany, visit her at www.tiffytalks.com
Facebook: Tiffy Talks
Book link: goo.gl/YVuyNu